Andai ku tahu

Keputusan untuk terima tawaran bekerja di Brunei bukanlah mudah. Terlalu banyak "apa kalau" atau "what ifs". Rindu memang pasti. Lagi-lagi kepada si comel kesayanganku Muhd Nor Iqbal. Tatkala mendengar nadanya, airmata sering menitis.

"Uncle kat mana?"

Jawapan ku sering diiringi dengan rasa sebak di hati. Seorang lagi kekasih hatiku, mak. Tidak pernah ku berjauhan lebih dari sebulan darinya. Kini 5 bulan sudah lalu. Hanya dengan menelefon ku dapat mengubat rindu. Alhamdulillah ku dapat menatap wajahnya sewaktu homeleave kelmarin. Insha Allah ada kesempatan untuk pulang lagi pertengahan bulan Syawal nanti.

Ku juga mempunyai seorang teman. Teman yang mampu mempengaruhi setiap keputusan, perasaan dan juga tindakan ku. Dia boleh menceriakan hari yang muram, membangkitkan semangat yang lemah. Andai ku tahu dia mampu melakukan semua itu, tidak ku mengikut perasaan ini. Sudah terlajak, kini ku pasrah.

Ku menanti hari bila ku dapat menghulurkan tangan..
   

For you

7 October 2011. I will always remember the day we met up and talk things out. Just the two of us, quite a distance apart with that big table in spectrum with crowd of students studying there. My objective, to stop your silent treatment towards me and to forget everything and be like normal friends who talk to each other. You told me to move on and saying you dont like me liking you. You also told me there were other guys whom you treated the same as you treated me. At the end of that meet up, i promised to move on and to stop liking you and we wouldnt be strangers anymore.

It was a promise that was never meant to be fufilled. I tried so hard to not like you but feelings just cant be forced. The following days, i tried to be as normal as normal friends would behave around you. But, i just cant. I would get all excited when you replied to my texts, when we walked together to silat room and when you respond to my conversation. With that i fall deeper. It was hard enough to hide my feelings for you. Eventually, you realised that i didnt kept my promise and you began your silent treatment again. But this time, it wasnt as cruel. Just that, you treat normally but not like normal friends. Eventually, i began to have control over my feelings and Allah swt gave new responsibilities and challenges that helps me along the way to make me forget about relationships.

But, deep inside me, you have always been the person whom i wish i could marry. Your presence have been a blessing and you are my motivation to become good person and gain more knowledge of islam. I am thankful for having to meet someone like you. My life journey in SP, you were there. You were there during our stressful assignments, you were there during our preparation for exams, you were there during all the camps i attended, kembara, SSP camp, silat training camp and foc from yr 1 to yr 3. You were there during our crazy fyp period, you were there when i ran away from the committee meeting, you were there when i cried in silat room. You have always been there.

If Allah permits it, I pray that you would be the person whom will guide me to be a better Muslim. Like you said, patience is key. If you are destined to be my wife, may Allah swt ease our relationship and keep us away from fitnah and whispers of syaitan. Till then, lets study hard and make your mum and my parents proud first. May Allah forgive your sins, give you health and grant you happiness in dunia and hereafter. Amin :)

It's not over

Final year project completed. That marks the end of studying in SP. The excitement was just for a moment. Reality kicks in and I have to plan what I want to do in life. Oh well simple, get married and live life like a Muslim.

I have submitted my application for NTU, hoping to get the NIE degree scholarship. So right now, my plan is to become a teacher! Why?  I believe that teaching is a fulfilling job, it teaches you to be patient and how to manage different kinds of behaviour. I have experienced a 1 month teaching attachment programme and I really enjoyed it. Whatever it is, I have planned and Allah swt will decide :)

So what has happened so far. Right now I am helping out my mum in her stall, cutting the vegetables and all that kitchen stuffs. Quite girlish but I don't mind. Thinking of it,  I would be able to help my future wife to prepare the ingredients when she cooks for the family (:

Hais. I just wanna get married fast.

Kerana Dia

Before 2012 ends, let me remenisce on what had made me who I am now.

It was a year full of surprises and challenges. Many ups and downs. Let me begin with something closer to heart. My family. Iqbal is now 2 years old. Knows how say a few words and could now run and play. The cutest creature I have ever seen. Never fails to put a smile on me. My eldest brother have came back. I welcomed him home with a Salam. He looked different. Seems healthy but i could only see emptiness in his eyes. He's changed man I believe. May Allah swt give him guidance. My parents, healthy and going strong. Getting older day by day. Sometimes I just wished I have the money to treat them for an overseas holiday trip. But yes..i am gonna save up and provide them the opportunity to perform hajj أن شاء الله.

SPSC. SPSC has definitely up its game this year. We made a comeback with glorious winnings. An emotional transformation from sending 5 pesilats in 2011. We went with pride and we went back with glory. IVP aside. SPSC has definitely made a great impact on my life. It has become part of me. The companions, memories, hardship, tears and sweat we shared throughout. I have to say, being a president was a fulfilling duty.It teaches me to become more responsible and discipline.  But most importantly, it got me closer to Allah swt. I tried my best to ensure that SPSC could be a platform for dakwah. Prioritsing solat over others and encouraging the sunnah of nabi Muhammad saw. But one of the emotional moments in SPSC would be during our hari raya outing. I will share about it when the tim comes.

My life. It's about time to stand up and be a somebody. Allah swt has given me so many opportunity to learn and experience becoming someone who leads. In shaa Allah, i want to be an inspiration. Before that, I kneel down upon Allah the almighty, i seek from Him knowledge of the Dunia and akhirah. Let me be amongst those who only strive to earn his blessings. Every act, sayings, whispers of the hearts is guided by him. Everything, Lillahi ta'ala. Amin

Dunia

hanya Allah swt sahaja yang tahu betapa resah dan gelisah hati ini. apa yang ku sangka berat,  memang tepat sangkaanku. tugas sebagai seorang presiden bukanlah seindah rupa.

setiap tanggungjawab dan amanah akan dipersoalkan oleh Allah swt nnt. 

Ya Allah! ku takut akan seksaan Mu ya Allah :'(

sembilu

nobody said its going to be easy. but falling for you was just another dream. right now, its time to wake up and move on!

Feelings

you know, since secondary school days, i've always failed in love. well, monkey love it is. I would like this person for so long and end up, seeing her with another guy. one of the 'most wanted' guy in the school. I can still remember the feeling. You can literally feel your heart sink. It took me quite a while to get over it. then i liked another girl. we got closer after O's. but, it ends abruptly as I could not get the idea of relationships. We didnt text everynight, i didnt called her at night. the only thing we did together was watch movie and ate at KFC. That was, 3 years ago.

Now, since end of year one in SP, a girl has stolen my heart. I forgot how i fell for her. I remembered one of the days, when i was walking with my friend along the corridor and saw her standing nearby. he said , "eh, kau tak nak tackle die?" and i said "huh? buat ape nak tackle die" I didnt had any feelings for her then. She was just someone i met during FOC camp and somehow we came into the same diploma and yea. I couldnt remember talking to her back then. she's like the normal quiet girl in class. always with red jacket during the camp. i still remembered her crush back then. She told hers, i told mine.

things changed. One day, she gave me this smile that i couldnt forget. everything about her was perfect. Since then, I couldnt help but smile when i see her. I made a mistake by telling a friend about my feelings. It spread like wildfire. right now, it seems like the ENTIRE malay community in SP knows that i like her. from MLS to SPSC. It really cause a stir. She started to avoid me. Once my friend told me, "kau tahu, haziqah nampak kau je die lari" I was like..hais. the whole body felt weak la seh. i emoed. i didnt talk to people. I deleted fb, twitter tumblr. I just wanted somebody to kill me during that moment. Imagine, someone you liked, avoided you.

So yea..I slowly told myself to get over her. I looked at other girls on fb..i distracted myself with other things. But, all doesnt seem to work. My heart is set to like her. So i just struggle through the days, as she gave me the cold treatment. I cannot forget how she smirks everytime i called her. as in call her name. Every day was a sad day for me since then. you know how girls can truly affect your mood. my friends told me, "bodoh betul la kau..die da tak ske kau maseh tunggu". i couldnt give an answer for that, till now.

I guess she knows that i read her tumblr. few days ago, she posted something that really, made me into a depression mode. She likes someone else i guess. hais..you know how i felt? I feel like, my heart literally stops and everything inside just crush into tiny little pieces. that was how hurtful it was. I kept on reading her post till now to see if the post is true or is it just a bad dream. hais. tears doesnt change anything. I really feel like a loser right now. I really feel so down. as im writing this, i feel like..somebody just kill me slowly. its less hurtful that seeing that post. i know i shouldnt be this way. but FEELINGS cant be control. I pray that Allah s.w.t keep this weak soul, strong enough to see her smile the next coming days. truly, my feelings for her has never changed..and i guess will never change.

Keris Kuasa 2012

Assalamu'alaikum..been quite a while since I posted something here. After the incident on 12 May, too many things have happened. From the dramatic committee meeting to Keris Kuasa and all other stuffs. I guess i'll start off with keris kuasa itself.

The event had passed quite some time now but it is still clear in my head what I have gone through that day. The day started off with a quite a heavy test by Allah s.w.t. Somehow we lost the key to moberly. I kept my calm and try not to panic. The moment i heard we didnt have the key, I already pictured the event to take place at some park or something nearby. Indeed, dont underestimate the power of du'a. Allah s.w.t heard everyone's du'a and with his blessings, the door managed to open without the key. At that moment, right away i felt this event is going to be a smooth one and has earned his blessings, wallahu'alam. Everything was calm after that..didnt have any major problems, except that i was quite under-dress..hah. Okay..so eventually we can use the sound system and video was well-liked by the viewers. And then, it was my speech, which i didnt prepared for. Everything came from the heart. I retold what had happened the pass few days and what made me to accept the amanah. to be honest, during the keris mandat, it felt like a mountain was place in my bare hands and my whole body was shaking in fear. Fear that i would not be able to carry out the amanah trusted upon me to manage a club. At that moment, i thought about the committee that would stand by me. La haula wa la quwwata illah billah!

Alhamdulillah, He allowed us to perform solah on time with live adzan in the room. After that we had our briyani.

Semoga Allah s.w.t memberi pentunjuk kepada kami dan merahmati Kelab SP Silat. Amin.

one of days that i would remember for the rest of my life. The day SPSC made me shed tears. Tears of disappointment. Never thought i would be that weak. Tears were flowing till i reach home. that was how bad it was. i dunno why i teared. just the feeling that i dont belong anywhere. it disheartend me further when no one really cares i left. that tells me everything. even the ones thought would call or text, couldnt care less. i know where i stand now. wouldnt to get to emotionally attached to anyone. till then, SPSC, thanks for the memory.

mengapa kau bersedih

The mouth says one thing, the heart says another. I just realized we cant lie to ourselves. I said to myself i have gotten over her. but, it seems like everytime i think of her, the heart skips a beat. Its not a good thing of course. you know what, sometimes i just wish she would just tell me off straight to the face, "go away from my life" it would be little less hurtful.

Farewell TWSS

Parting is such a sweet sorrow. Never knew I would be like this at end of this 4 week internship. I almost shed a tear when the students made a thank you card individually. InsyaAllah, I will meet them again. Amin.

Words are not enough to express how i felt today. One of the best experiences in my life. I really felt that genuine care for the students. hmm..maybe I should pursue to become a teacher? If i get the sponsored scholarship, if there is where my rezeki is, may Allah show me the guidance.

I feel so, down.

In need

I want to have a heart to heart talk with someone. Where i can just say whatever i want, without having fear or uneasiness. Someone who understands what I am going through. yea..everyone has their own problems. and we just need that someone to share it with. just a pair of ears and a listening heart.

I stood quite a while in the shower just now. Should i accept this post as the president. Truly, I have this, deep down under my heart, intention to actually get myself away from SPSC. I dunno why. for all the reasons. Haizzzzzzzzzzzzz........

Mr. Shafie

As a secondary school student, I never took a moment to stop and think. The sacrifice and dedication teachers put in just to see their students success in their studies. Now I know, being in the real scene, in the staff room of Teck Whye Secondary School.

After every lesson, there is mad rush in the staff room. Teachers running here and there to get their resources ready and marking of assignments. Some discussing with other teachers on ways to strategies their teaching approach. some were just too tired. from their expression, seems like they were worn out from the day.
But it isnt all bad.

I asked one of the senior teacher, what kept her motivated to continue teaching till more than 15 years. She said, its the students. and yes, I believe her answer was genuine. Just 3 weeks, and i already felt this relationship with the students. The feeling that we need to guide them and its our responsibility that the students grow up to be useful adults. One day, this sec 1 student named Chester, gave me a look straight to eye. I asked him whats wrong. He kept quiet. Then I asked about his assignment. Somehow, I asked about his parents. and he gave a look that really touches my heart. He told me about how his parents is divorced and he is not living with his parents. I felt for Chester. He seems cheerful and playful like any other kids but when he told me about his story, I looked up to him as strong-willed person.

One more week ahead, and I must say, how I wish I can continue to stay on and watch the sec 1s move on the next stages of their life.

Kau.diam.pun.cantik.

I'm really getting tired and sick of unnecessary comments given by people. If you have nothing to say, please just zip up. Being emo shit in the social media. Just keep that feelings. I know, when the time comes, I am gonna be in that emo shit state.I dunno. My mind is all tangled up now. I am not sure if being in the committee is a burden for me. Sometimes people gives you shit when ure trying ur best.

Melatar

Mungkin cerita yang disampaikan ini agak pendek, tetapi bermanfaat, InsyaAllah. Sedang berbual sambil turun tangga, mata tidak terlihat ada lecak di hadapan. Tubuh terseliuh dan diri melatar. " oh mak kau!" Teman lihat ke arahku, ingin bercerita. Dari temannya, die pon mula. Al-kisah Kalau kat expressway, lorry yang transport pasir, kalau accident, apa yang terkeluar dari Lori tu. ku jawab, pasir. Die senyum dan sambung. Kalau lorry yang transport gula, kalau accident, apa yang akan terkeluar? Ku jawab, gula. Die pon berhenti sekejap dan mengukir senyuman. Begitulah manusia, jika hati ini sentiasa "dipenuhi" Allah, apabila kte mengalami kesusahan atau kemalangan, Kalimah Allah akan terkeluar dari mulut kita. Dan jika hati ini penuh dgn kejahilan dan kemaksiatan, mungkin, kata2 kesat akan terkeluar apabila ditimpa musibah. Renungkanlah :)

There's a reason why it's call a committee. You need to be committed. But, when situation comes at its worst, you just wished that you didn't make that mistake of committing into something you thought was possible. What I am blabering about. I know, somebody has got to do it. But, I just need that push. Sometimes, small things pushes me back. Every time I took a step forward, there's just something that pull my step back. May Allah show me guidance. Whenever I see her talking to other guys, I get jealous. It seems that I can never strike a decent conversation with her. It has been year.

head feels so heavy. some kind of a headache. Arghh!

"When you believe you are one of the good guy, step back and say to urself, you are bad enough to have the thought that you are good"

dont feel like continuing to be part of the committee next sem.
Only Allah knows why.

The first few step

Alhamdulillah, have stepped into the second semester for second year in SP. No more time to look back and regret. Just look forward and pray for the best.

Lately, time have been always on silat. I am afraid if i spend too much time in this. I dunno, it has somehow become part of my life. feels like something is wrong if i were to miss trainings. nevertheless, Allah has allowed me to meet with great friends, whom when i look upon their faces, it reminds me Allah. they made me feel, small. when i look at them, made me realise how low i am in the eyes of Allah compared to them.

some are soon to become hafiz..some just have that noble characteristic that can never been found in someone who do not have such ilmu. I believe, joining sp silat is one of the blessings of Allah s.w.t where i get to meet these people.

Alhamdulillah.

haza min fadli robbi

Nothing in the world belongs to us. May Allah guide us in everything we do. 

every single thing we do, Lillahi Ta'ala.