Feelings

you know, since secondary school days, i've always failed in love. well, monkey love it is. I would like this person for so long and end up, seeing her with another guy. one of the 'most wanted' guy in the school. I can still remember the feeling. You can literally feel your heart sink. It took me quite a while to get over it. then i liked another girl. we got closer after O's. but, it ends abruptly as I could not get the idea of relationships. We didnt text everynight, i didnt called her at night. the only thing we did together was watch movie and ate at KFC. That was, 3 years ago.

Now, since end of year one in SP, a girl has stolen my heart. I forgot how i fell for her. I remembered one of the days, when i was walking with my friend along the corridor and saw her standing nearby. he said , "eh, kau tak nak tackle die?" and i said "huh? buat ape nak tackle die" I didnt had any feelings for her then. She was just someone i met during FOC camp and somehow we came into the same diploma and yea. I couldnt remember talking to her back then. she's like the normal quiet girl in class. always with red jacket during the camp. i still remembered her crush back then. She told hers, i told mine.

things changed. One day, she gave me this smile that i couldnt forget. everything about her was perfect. Since then, I couldnt help but smile when i see her. I made a mistake by telling a friend about my feelings. It spread like wildfire. right now, it seems like the ENTIRE malay community in SP knows that i like her. from MLS to SPSC. It really cause a stir. She started to avoid me. Once my friend told me, "kau tahu, haziqah nampak kau je die lari" I was like..hais. the whole body felt weak la seh. i emoed. i didnt talk to people. I deleted fb, twitter tumblr. I just wanted somebody to kill me during that moment. Imagine, someone you liked, avoided you.

So yea..I slowly told myself to get over her. I looked at other girls on fb..i distracted myself with other things. But, all doesnt seem to work. My heart is set to like her. So i just struggle through the days, as she gave me the cold treatment. I cannot forget how she smirks everytime i called her. as in call her name. Every day was a sad day for me since then. you know how girls can truly affect your mood. my friends told me, "bodoh betul la kau..die da tak ske kau maseh tunggu". i couldnt give an answer for that, till now.

I guess she knows that i read her tumblr. few days ago, she posted something that really, made me into a depression mode. She likes someone else i guess. hais..you know how i felt? I feel like, my heart literally stops and everything inside just crush into tiny little pieces. that was how hurtful it was. I kept on reading her post till now to see if the post is true or is it just a bad dream. hais. tears doesnt change anything. I really feel like a loser right now. I really feel so down. as im writing this, i feel like..somebody just kill me slowly. its less hurtful that seeing that post. i know i shouldnt be this way. but FEELINGS cant be control. I pray that Allah s.w.t keep this weak soul, strong enough to see her smile the next coming days. truly, my feelings for her has never changed..and i guess will never change.